Life after a Breakup: From Heartbreak to Healing

Breakupscan feel so complex and heavy. Ever wonder why? The truth is, whether the relationship lasted a few months or several years, this kind of ending carries a particular kind of grief, one that isn’t always visible but deeply felt. That’s right, I said grief. When a relationship ends, we experience all the stages of grief as if someone has passed away. What makes breakup grief complex is, the person hasn’t passed away, so one must go through the stages knowing that person is still physically around.

As a therapist, I often remind my clients (and myself) that healing from a breakup isn’t about “getting over” someone. It’s about getting through the pain and rediscovering the parts of you that may have been quieted, dimmed, or lost along the way.

Something to be mindful of is, grief and loss is not linear. I have broken down some stageswhile going through a heartbreak. These stages are curated from my clinical expertise as well from my own personal experiences.

Stage 1: Emotional Aftershock

In the early days, emotions can feel overwhelming with highs and lows or the opposite, you may feel disconnected from all emotions. It’s normal to feel numb, sadness, anger, confusion, sometimes even relief. This emotional turbulence doesn’t mean you’re broken or failing at healing. It only means you are human who really cared deeply for the other person.

In this stage, I encourage people to honor their feelings without feeling the need to change them, fix them, or avoid them. It is very important to let these emotions move through rather than overpower them. Here are some ways to sit with your feelings: bring curiosity to them versus judgement, write down your feelings, write a compassion letter to your past self, write a letter to your past without sending it, ask someone you trust and love to sit with you if you need to cry it out.

Stage 2: Temptation to Revisit the Past

This stage is really important because the breakup is very freshand feelings may be overwhelming. So, it’s common to replay every detail: the conversations, the what-ifs, the moments you think you could have changed. Our brains crave understanding, closure, a clear “why.”

But healing only begins when you stop yourself from going down the rabbit hole. Every time your mind goes down the road of making sentence, the cognitive part of your brain is clocking in to work to protect you from feelings the painful feelings. There is a separation of facts from feelings, a way to “get over the feeling” as opposed to “getting through the feelings”.

I often tell clients, closure doesn’t always come from the other person, it comes from you deciding the story ends here. The relationship served a purpose, taught lessons, and shaped you for the next version of yourself.

Stage 3: Rebuilding the Relationship With Yourself

Breakups can leave us feeling lost and disconnected from ourselves. This is the perfect time to start reconnecting with yourself. To find yourself! A version of yourself who is stronger, softer, aligned and connected. This is the stage you want to start focusing on what makes you happy, taking care of your health, revising your values, your rituals of care.

I encourage clients to take solo walks, visit nature, redecorate your space, journal, visit places you have always wanted to visit. A bonus: write a letter from your future self to your present self. Self-love isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistent acts of presence and compassion.

Stage 4: Understanding the Deeper Work

While moving through the other stages, this is the stage you want to consider understanding the deeper wounds triggered by this ending. Attachment wounds, fears of abandonment, people-pleasing tendencies, or avoidance. It’s not about blame, but awareness.

Therapy, journaling, or inner parts work can help uncover these layers. When we heal these roots, we don’t just recover from this relationship, we transform how we love in the future.

Stage 5: The Return of Lightness

There will come a day when you’ll wake up and realize the heaviness has lifted a little. Music will sound different. Food will taste better. You’ll laugh again without forcing it.

That is the quiet miracle of healing… it doesn’t arrive all at once. It arrives in moments.

Healing isn’t linear, and it isn’t about becoming who you were before the relationship, it’s about becoming who you were always meant to be, after.

So, if you’re in the middle of your own heartbreak right now, trust that this pain has a purpose. You are not broken; you are being rebuilt.